Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
my retirement plan is braless
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
the noise i just made
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
guys i’ve cracked the code
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?