Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.