Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
car not found
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.