Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.