Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
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Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
i love modern commerce
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Just so funny
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.