Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
whatcha thinkin bout
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane