Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him