Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When you’ve simply given up.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.