Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

How do horror writers compete with current events?

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.