Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
You Might Also Like
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.