Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
This made me smile…
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“you changed” bro i was 15
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get