Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
set yourself free xox
My dog learned how to text
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter