Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
sleeping beauty
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed