everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.