Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
You Might Also Like
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself