Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I don’t hate children, just yours.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Somebody call the cops.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”