Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! đ
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Bootstraps
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The people at this winery are acting like theyâve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My love language is hissing.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Going to a wedding this weekend. Canât decide if I want to sit on the brideâs side or groomâs side because thatâs basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobodyâs fault and none of us could have predicted this
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes â but are still useful â and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My boss: you seem distracted todayâŚ
Me: sure, Iâll get that for you asap.
*shaking head* I canât tell which news stories are real or are April Foolâs Day pranks. I mean, you could say âAliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whalesâ & Iâd just think âSo 2022.â
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonaldâs
[McDonaldâs]
Me: weâll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please đ
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.