@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

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@Midgetspar

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

@TheRolo

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

@ilovepie84

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

@champagngetaway

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

@BakwasRadio

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

@schumoo

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

@slimmy_shady

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.