Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.