Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Get in loser we’re going crying
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”