Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.


So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.


I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.


CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.


Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.


Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.


Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please


Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.