Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game