everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.