Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.