Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*