everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
#titanic
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
For the orator and chef in all of us
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.