Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children