Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.