“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.