Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.