Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Oops I deleted….
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.