Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
the three genders
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
The human personality is made of five key elements
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video