Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re called werewolves.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.