Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Going to church you guys need anything
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!