Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”