EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*