Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
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[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?