Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Uh oh…
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies