Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Software Development ⛵️
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
You better watch out
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days