Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.