Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now


Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends


Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!


I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.


Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’


Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.


[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”


First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.


*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*