Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Look at this
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*