Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My whole life was a lie.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.