Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Cucumbers Anonymous
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage