Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
You Might Also Like
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Seas the day!!!!
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”