everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.