Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?