Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
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Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me recordaron éste meme
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”