Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.