Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.