Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go