@tyiepo

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

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@BuckyIsotope

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@BuddWest

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

@dsmitty_62

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

@evilnshit

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@MrSpoonicorn

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.