Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die


Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.


Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.


Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*


I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.


My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.


Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.


I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?


“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night