Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest