@dumbbeezie Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
@tyiepo Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
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@dumbbeezie 
@AllanForsyth Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
@Book_Krazy Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
@eXentRic_ Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
@PhilLaysheO I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
@ericsshadow *flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
@1Happytwit My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
@piranhapanorama Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
@fozzie4prez I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
@lisaxy424 “zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night