Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.