Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.