Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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Poetry is my passion
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
#ProTip
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico