Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Every house has this drawer
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]