Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her