Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

No. He’s not coming out to play

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Me buying fruit and veg

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

A dad and his duck

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.